Happy Birthday to Me: A Post on Motherhood and Perfectionism

Yesterday was my birthday.  28.  Wow.  I don't think I ever imagined being 28.  It leaves this year feeling vaguely open and mildly exhilarating.

This is also the first birthday where I am a mother.

I mean really, it doesn't get much better than that.

Now, I have been blessed with one of the sweetest, most well-tempered and easy babies I think in existence.  He takes his naps and (finally) sleeps through the night and eats with only a reasonable
amount of mess and smiles and plays and is healthy.  I love being a Mom.  Pretty much the greatest thing a parent can ask for is a healthy, happy baby. Having said all this, parenthood is it's own crazy, wild ride.  Children are largely unpredictable and irrational.  They are complex algorithms with ever changing variables.  They bring a greater range of emotion than previously known--there is so, so much more joy, but there is also the potential for so much more pain.  And you can't weight your options before you take the plunge--it is a leap of faith in the truest sense of the word.  I was trepidatious about the rigors of motherhood and becoming a mother myself because I also suffer from perfectionism.  I had always wanted to be a momma, but life's experiences had made me cautious.

Perfectionism is defined as "a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable; especially : the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness."  A lot of people could blame my Mormon upbringing as to how I contracted this disease, or religion in general but I think it's just one aspect of the human condition: everyone has it to some degree.  Perfectionism isn't about competition, it's not about being better than someone else, it's about being the best you can be.  And sometimes that pressure can lead to depression or other neurotic behaviors.  If it was just Mormons or Christians who suffer from perfectionism, we wouldn't live in a world where there is a thing called Karoshi (the Japanese term for literally working yourself to death) or The Mommy Wars.  It's a symptom of the modern age, and if you ask my parents they will tell you I just came packaged this way.

My entire life I've felt like it was my job to save the world, and any attempts to either live fully to my personal expectations or just "fuggedaboutit" have left me gasping for air, for I am no Atlas (or Donnie Brasco for that matter).  Sometimes feeling like I'm carrying the weight of the world has led me down paths of great despair and depression, and much of my late teens and early twenties were marked with bouts of varying degrees with occasional interventions of medication and counseling.  The last five years have been a wonderful reprieve, feeling I've gotten a bit of a handle on things using a combination of Vitamin D and Jesus.  Also repeating early and often: "you can't do everything, but you can do something."  A dollar to this charity, a kind word to a friend, taking care of my baby: I try to focus on what I'm doing rather than what seems to be falling outside of my grasp.

I also met a man who shares a lot of my same world views which has allowed me to feel I can share the burden.  He too is quite a perfectionist and I wonder if it's not a genetic malady since I already see traces of it in our son.  We've also had a great amount of success in helping the other keep their perfectionism in check: sharing strategies, cheering each other on, and just talking through things.

Despite all this progression, becoming a mother has given me a combination of feeling a greater responsibility to make a better world for the next generation, and a fearlessness I have never known.  This combination, the internet, and my personal belief system has led me to recently think I have the audacity to actually make the world a better place.  Ether 12:4 in the Book of Mormon:

"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."

There are days when I love my perfectionism--it's made me a better student, a better employee, a better wife and mother, a better artist, a better Mormon, and a better person.  Being a perfectionist gives you great satisfaction with getting things done.  All the world's great movers and shakers were perfectionists--who wouldn't want to rub shoulders with those folks?  And since I'm a generally happy person with a laid back attitude, you'll only begin to notice my perfectionism up close.  Unless you happen to catch me when I'm having a bad day, or a bad year.  I am sincerely grateful to my friends and family who have stuck by me despite my myriad quirks, emotionality, and sometimes overbearing passion.

But there are days when I just wish I could not care so much.  Perfectionism means never being satisfied with yourself.  Perfectionism can be debilitating and easily mistaken for laziness--I've collectively spent many hours just spaced out trying to solve my personal problems or issues of the world.  I forget things, I'm a self proclaimed space cadet.  It makes it hard to commit to things for fear that you won't be reliable or something will fall through the cracks.  Analysis Paralysis is my middle name, but I also thrive on organization.  

Perfectionism makes it easy to judge people who don't seem to be trying as hard at life as you are.  It takes a lot of effort to maintain a consistent personality so that I can make and keep friends (people don't like it when you step out of the box that they've put you in).  It's hard to speak my mind when I see two sides to every argument.  Note: Mitt wasn't a flip-flopper, he was a perfectionist (and a moderate) but that is another post for another day.  In my world everybody is right and everybody is wrong at the same time.  I can see how every action both helps and hurts.

Perfectionism can sometimes feel like noblesse oblige on steroids.  People think you're self righteous.  In a word, it's exhausting.  The only difference between a Perfectionist and a control freak is the former tries to do so without seeming, whilst always checking their intentions and outcomes.  Sometimes I feel I must be the only person who has 17 moral dilemmas before lunch time.  Some days it's hard to tell if being a perfectionist is an aspect of the natural man or my divine nature as a child of God.  In any case, I'd love to have just a day when I could not feel like I'm carrying an angry minotaur ready to jump out and devour my whole life.  A day when I just didn't care.  A day when I don't feel I have to manage something within myself.

If you deal with perfectionism, it's easy to see why people self-medicate.  It is also why I love watching TV.

So this year I decided for my birthday I was going to give myself a day off: a day free of actual or lingering guilt.  A "mental health day" that wasn't preceded by a breakdown.  A day free of the little voice of shame saying that I'm not enough: not doing enough, not being enough, not fixing enough.  A day where I don't worry about the rest of the world.  A day with just me and my little family.  A day where I didn't berate myself for not getting things done: the laundry (I wasn't even going to DO the laundry!), the dishes cleaned (I would leave them in the sink!), my church calling, my work, or feeling a responsibility to fix the problem of sex slavery in the United States.  I'll take on the rest of the world next week.

By eleven o'clock I gave up.  The energy it took to try and not think about those things was way more energy than I wanted to spend on what now seemed like a fruitless quest.  Not to mention it was stressing me out.

I decided to get out of the house.  Walking has been therapy for me for many years, but I left the stroller in the car and the car was with my husband at work.  There's a small park near my house I often take the baby to play in the grass and get some sunlight.  I grabbed the little guy and left my phone and computer (which kept pinging with Facebook birthday notifications--oh if only my high school self could see me now!) and worries behind.

The thing about your thoughts is that they are not so easily shed as a coat, or your keys, or your phone. A great quote is from Wallace Wattles, whose only legacy to the world might just be this quote, goes as follows: “There is no labor from which most people shrink as they do from that of sustained and consecutive thought. It is the hardest work in the world.”

As my worries and thoughts and stresses crept up I started to get frustrated.  I felt the feelings of despair creep from behind the curtain.  The thoughts that can easily drag me into a downward spiral of depression and anxiety.  I tried to focus on my son: his sweet chubby hands palming at the grass.  His cute marble eyes squinting when they flipped upwards.  His "hair feathers" blowing in the wind.  I let myself feel proud for letting him eat a leaf but not a cigarette butt.  I watched him pull himself to standing and then start let go: he is figuring out how to walk!  I felt that rush of joy only a parent knows in seeing your child accomplish something new.  He was standing!  I called out: You're standing!  You're standing!  You're learning to walk!  We exchanged proud smiles and then as quickly as it began it was over.  He plopped down and started crawling again.  But while my son seemed to instantly find satisfaction and distraction in eating leaves I grew frustrated: why can't I feel that joy all the time, whenever I just look at him?  Why does it take so much work to feel like I'm loving him?

And then my years of training myself to dispute my own thoughts kicked in:  because if you felt this way all the time you wouldn't appreciate it, it's a gift more than an accomplishment.  Don't get frustrated with yourself, look how far you've come.  And it's true: learning to manage my perfectionism has meant developing the ability to walk a mental tightrope: if I do too little with my time, I feel worthlessness.  Too much and I'm overwhelmed.  I'm doing better to walk by faith, and not by fear.  I continued to cajole myself: Do your best to relax, soak in the sun.

I moved over to the other side of my baby so that I could face that great fiery ball in the sky.  I lifted my face and closed my eyes to it's warmth and power, another strategy I've developed over the years to help me cope with life.  Face the Sun, I repeated to myself.  Face the Son.  Vitamin D and Jesus.

I thought about the Sun and the Son.  The Sun is fiery miasma of incandescent plasma with the power to kill us all if the atmosphere gets too thin.  They both give light and life to the whole world.  The Savior was perfect and complete, our redeemer and exemplar.  I'm fairly certain he was filled with a deep passion (THE passion) we can't even begin to fathom (although I don't think His rampage in the temple is quite the excuse for righteous indignation I've heard people cite too often).  He is the only person for whom we can honestly say, "He has done no wrong."  His sacrifice for me is pretty much the only reason I am able to get up and out of bed in the morning.  His is the only hope I have for any happiness in my life.

"I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly" (John 10:10)

I too have this fire in me I can't seem to squelch.  Attempts to do so have led me easily and quickly to a melt-down and an inevitable "bad day."  On good days I figure I'm not supposed to root this out of my being--that it was given to me for a reason and I should use it for good.  I'm learning to embrace my perfectionism and channel it for betterment.  Over the years and through many, many experiences of trial and error I've gotten better at honing that fire into a blow torch full of utility rather than the destructive potential of a forest fire.  I'm slowly getting better.  I hope someday I can feel like it's not so much work to be happy, especially since I've been blessed with a truly fantastic life.  The guilt that so many in the world do not have the blessings and resources that I do is part of that daily, crushing burden.

Back at the park, I scoop up my son and wrap him in my arms.  As we turn to head back home and face the rest of the day I look up one final time.  Soaking up the last drops of optimism I can glean from it's rays, I think to myself: Yes, I am learning to walk too.

Dear Struggling Missionary

To anyone who has ever winced when hearing the words "The Best 2 Years."

Recently I was talking with a woman at Church about her son who is serving a stateside LDS mission.  He has been struggling and she explained a bit exasperatedly how "no one ever tells them how hard it really is!"  After I commiserated and described briefly some of the struggles on my own mission she asked if I wouldn't mind writing to him.  I agreed and later realized that other missionaries, returned missionaries, or friends or parents of either might benefit from my words and decided to turn it into a blog post.  It has taken 5 years to finally come to full and complete peace about my mission experience.  As I've leaned on the Savior I've been able to stumble onward, contemplating his great sacrifice and using my experience to help others along the way.  I can testify of the words of Elder Holland: "It is only an appreciation of this divine love that will make our own lesser suffering first bearable, then understandable, and finally redemptive."  It is only since he gave that talk have I felt comfortable talking about my mission publicly.



Dear Struggling Missionary,

Mormon missions are seen as a seminal moment between youth and adulthood--a transition and a rite of passage, and rightly so.  The rigors of a mission alone can incur the phrase "they leave boys and they come home men."  But not all missions go as expected, and this can be an added burden to an already intense experience.  So, to those who may be struggling or did struggle, it is to you--my comrades in the gospel--that I address my remarks.

I know what you're thinking: How did I get here?  What is wrong with me?  How did this happen?

Nothing is wrong with you.  You are right where you are supposed to be, but I'll try to explain a bit how it happened.  I'll begin with a brief history of Missionary Work.

Once upon a time there was no missionary work as we now call it.  There was a time where there were no missionary badges, or ties, or skirts, or white handbooks.  God spoke to Prophets and they spoke to their families and that was about it.  The Priesthood was passed down through bloodlines from Father to Son through the Levitical order.  Fun fact: apparently this is still going on if you are a Jew and your last name happens to be Cohen.  Don't ask me any more on that, that's all I know.  I assume this is a big reason why it was important to marry in the covenant (see Deuteronomy 7:1-6).  Eventually you could be adopted into the House of Israel and the Priesthood was passed down through the laying on of hands, to be "called of God, as was Aaron" (see Hebrews 5:4). About the same time, Peter (the Prophet at the time) and the Apostles were commanded by Jesus to "Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost” (Matthew 28:18-19).  Missionary work had begun.

First stop: the Gentiles.  That was a major change from the way things had been done--the Jews were the chosen people, remember?  But kind of important if God is supposed to love ALL of his children and Jesus is a big part of that love (see John 3:16).  Luckily Peter got the message about going to the Gentiles and then things started to pick up, spreading the gospel to the surrounding regions.

At first it was just some guys in robes and sandals, repeating what Jesus had said and collecting followers along the way.  This created lots of little congregations all over the place who sometimes had their own ideas about how things should be run, hence why we have the 2nd half of the New Testament (mostly Paul writing to them trying to keep things in order). Eventually things kinda fell apart (don't worry, it was prophesied--see Isaiah 24:5, Amos 8:11-12, Matthew 24:4-14, Acts 20:28-30, 2 Timothy 3:1-5, 14-15; 4:3-4) and the Apostles were all killed and the Priesthood was lost to the earth for a time.

Don't worry, this had happened before, that's why we have lots of different religions--without a Prophet, people start interpreting scripture in their own way...kind of chaotic, I know.  Nice people I'm sure but it's caused a lot of confusion over the years.  If you're an LDS missionary I'm guessing you already understand this, just wanted to elaborate for anyone else listening in.

Skip ahead to Joseph Smith.  New Prophet called.  Priesthood restored through heavenly messengers.  Missionary work back on!

The Lord starts sending out people alone or in pairs to go preach the gospel (see a bunch of sections in the Doctrine and Covenants).  At first they don't take money or script and traveled on foot like the New Testament missionaries but that probably only worked for a bit until people stopped being so nice to missionaries and cars and airplanes were invented.  117,456 (just a guesstimate here) revelations of differing significance later we have straight laced young men (and now lots of women!) in white shirts and ties with name tags and MTCs and area books and a whole (mostly) well-oiled machine of streamlined missionary work.  To study (or experience) the whole process is a fascinating endeavor.

Somewhere along the line (and this is not hard to figure out with most of the workforce being 19 year old hormonally charged boys living on their own for possibly the first time) there came mission rules.  Mission rules (aka "The White Handbook") are a product of Correlation--a period in the Church's history when things were organized in a business-like fashion so that it was ACTUALLY possible to bring the gospel to the ENTIRE world.  It's a big job and the best framework we had available was multi-national corporations.  God works with what he has: people--us bumbling mortals, this is not new.  Revelation is a complex process so out of any decision we can usually see how things are both divinely inspired but also based on man-made constructs.  Inspiration is based on information, we believe in things being organized from previous matter--not something from nothing.  This has no bearing on the divinity of the work.

Anyway, an unfortunate by-product of this is that there has to be a TON of rules.  There are rules that govern and dictate pretty much every aspect of your existence as a missionary.  This can get a wee bit stifling.  You have virtually no coping mechanisms available except the scriptures--which can sometimes be a good thing, but personally (and what I understand about agency) I think it's not the best way.  Right now our missionary program is sub-optimal.  As Elder Tom Perry iterated in the special conference, "Hastening the Work" that up until now we have been working hard, but now we need to work smart.  To me, this means the physical, spiritual, emotional and mental well being of our missionary work force.  To continue, an unfortunate by-product of so many rules and a culture which HEAVILY encourages obedience to said rules is sort of a Pre-New Testament existence.  Missions can very easily operate in a Mosaic law sort of sphere.

The Mosaic law or "lower law" was what the Lord had to give to the children of Israel in order to prepare them for Christ's coming. He wanted to give the higher law (see Exodus 32:19-20) but we just weren't ready for it.  Humans were barely ready for it when Christ came--a big reason they killed Jesus is because they didn't like what he was saying.  Anyway, the religious world up until the meridian of time was operating under this complex structure of rules and hierarchies that created a lot of different sects within Judaism--the Pharisees, the Sadducees, etc.  They had interpreted the words of the prophets in different ways and felt very strongly about what they had read.  The Pharisees were the ones that believed in being saved by the law--they had LOTS of rules: rules for sabbath day observance, rules for what you could and couldn't eat, rules for dealing with sinners.  Jesus came and spoke and taught and didn't seem to care what they thought about those rules.  He was a man of perfect principle.

This upset the Jews because they were very proud of how good they were at following the rules.  They were harsh on those that didn't seem to keep up with their righteousness, they could be cruel to them who didn't fit in with their way of thinking.  This can very, very easily happen on a mission.

When you leave on your mission EVERYONE has advice which they heap down on you in glorious abundance.  It can be overwhelming but generally people mean well.  One of my friends though, all she said was "don't judge your trainer."  She said it several times.  "Don't judge your trainer."  For some reason it stuck with me.

When I got out into the field I had a wonderful trainer whom I adored.  We were both artists and we bonded quickly, serving in a collection of small farm towns in Illinois.  She showed me the ropes: we knocked on doors, we planned every night, we called people, we taught lessons and asked people to keep commitments.  I was working hard and doing missionary work and loving it.  My trainer however had been out seven months and would sometimes get stomach aches.  We would have to stop our work and come home so she could rest.  This was hard.

I was a new greenie, an exuberant missionary who was a ball of impetuous energy with the most exciting message in the world to tell.  I was on "fire" as they say.  And we had to come home?  And do nothing?  I was patient but I struggled.  Every time I wanted to get frustrated with my trainer, whose stomach aches sometimes came at convenient times or they would magically clear up when something interesting was happening, I would remember the words of my friend: "Don't judge your trainer."  Even when we went to the Doctor and her tests would come back inconclusive on suggested maladies I decided out of sheer will to give her the benefit of the doubt.  To this day I never regret my decision--and I still choose to believe her (note: missions are hard, your body breaks down and there's not much room for rejuvenation, it happens).  The work never seemed to suffer and our companionship thrived in unity.  The words of Doctrine and Covenants 3:3 ring true: "Remember, remember that it is not the work of God that is frustrated, but the work of men."

Fast forward several months and my mission reality as compared to the expectations I had when I came out were of vast difference and painted two, very different, pictures.

My expectation was filled with the stories of missionaries who had gone before: great spiritual strength and triumph, intense bonding with companions over helping the people of your mission (who you loved with all your heart) as they come to know their Savior more.  Wonderful testimony building and faith promoting and friendship making of the highest quality and caliber--stories to fill a lifetime.  I imagined coming home a better, stronger, more faithful, more graceful, and of course more marriageable me.  Going on my mission was an act of great sacrifice for me in all aspects and I had faith that the blessings would far outweigh the things I had to give up.  I was subverting my will for the will of the Lord and I humbly expected that great things would come of it, as they had in times before.  They have (oh boy they have), but not in the way I expected.

The only trials I expected as a missionary were those of tough companions (every one has a story of a hard companion), moments of defeat when an investigator doesn't keep their commitments, and the rigors of mission life:  strange food, homesickness, and hard work.  I had had some bouts of insomnia and a single case of depression before I left but both I felt had been cleared up and had faith that the Lord would carry me through if things turned out otherwise.

The first few months of my mission fit this script and nothing got me down.  I forged onward, I made errors along the way, but my missionary heart burned with a fervor I had never felt in my life.  I was willing to spread the gospel as much as possible, without regard to other people (truly a mistake), come hell or high water.  Well, hell and high water did come and I have learned, to say the least, a lot.

About halfway through my mission the picture my mission reality painted was thus:  I was a tired, stressed out, maxed out, sick, over weight and depressed missionary.  For all intents and purposes I should have gone home.  I had major insomnia problems (I would go DAYS without sleeping), I was on medication and seeing a counselor for severe seasonal depression, and my diet was all out of sorts since historically the mid-west is not known for it's healthy eating habits and I was at the mercy of members for meals.  I never felt "on top of things" with P-day being the only day available to take care of personal matters, and there were little to no coping mechanisms available: I couldn't call my mom, I couldn't go to the movies, I couldn't read a book or watch TV or even go for a run or a walk by myself just to clear my head.  I understood why all these rules were in place and I respected them and had I not been a missionary there wouldn't be issue, but as they say I was "not in Kansas anymore."  I was a missionary and I wanted ever so badly to be a good one.

Also, within a 2 week period at around the middle of my mission I had four, you could even say a series of, unfortunate events happen.  I found out in a most shocking and unexpected way during an interview that my mission president thought I was being rebellious during the entire first half of my mission, citing things I had said or done completely out of context or had not even happened.  My dear companion (it seems the only thing that didn't go wrong on my mission was thankfully, the quality of my companions) was being transferred.  I had been suffering from and attempting to treat maladies for the past 8 months on an embarrassing part of my body which now required surgery.  And my most dear investigator, a sweet and sincere older woman who lived alone and also suffered from depression, had committed suicide.  I was devastated to say the least.  Oh and the family threatened to blame us legally since we were the only ones visiting her on a regular basis and talked to her about her deceased husband, whom she missed greatly.  Thankfully, no charges were filed.

To make matters worse I was in a mission that suffered from serious issues with gossip.  To this day (despite many hours worth of rumination) I have wondered where it started, where it went wrong, and what I could have done to prevent it--but I somehow got a reputation for being a "bad missionary."  A rebel, an apostate, a rule-breaker.  Now to be clear, I am most definitely a free spirit, but I am no rebel.  This girl is and has always been "a teacher's pet" even and often to a fault.  I never skipped curfew or snuck out or broke rules.  I got good grades and read books and went to summer school to get ahead.  I was "a good girl" as they say.  So to be branded as anything else was a completely new experience and one that I was completely unprepared for, especially within my dear community of Mormonism.  And to illustrate the extent of this branding I once overheard a Stake leader visiting our ward say to his counselor: "She doesn't look like a troublemaker."

The thing about people having a certain idea about you is that even if you try to correct it, it will only affirm what they have already decided.  The more I tried to correct people's assumptions about me the more it was seen as a defensive strategy.  It was frustrating and hard to say the least and to this day I have to work very hard at not caring what I think others are thinking about me and use the Spirit and people I trust as my metric for life.  Throughout the ordeal and the five years after I returned from my mission I've had to fight the feelings of bitterness and resentment that can come through painful experiences where people did not act the way they should have (myself included).  I fight those feelings no more.  I don't know if it's that I've slowly and finally gained perspective or that I'm just better equipped to only care what God thinks of my actions.  Regardless, I feel that now my job is to use my experience to help other's who may have struggled or are currently struggling within my community.

In the midst of my struggles I turned to the scriptures since that's where I had been taught (and was teaching others) to find answers. I was searching for knowledge on how to be a more obedient (and by mission logic a more effective) missionary. I went to the New Testament since we are raised with the understanding that part of Christ's mission was to be our greatest exemplar in a addition to His Atoning sacrifice. What I found was unexpected but not unsurprising: Jesus was a rebel. He was completely obedient to the Godhood (Luke 2:49 and John 5:19) but didn't give a lick if anyone thought he was somehow acting contrary.

The mosaic law was meant as a way to point people towards the Savior, simply because it was impossible to follow all the commandments all the time.  Mission rules, I argue, should be viewed the same way.  They should be seen as important to follow, but as much as they are preached to be followed, we should always add important messages about the Atonement. As Paul said: "for the letter killeth, but the spirit giveth life" (2 Corinthians 3:6).

During those dark hours at the meridian of my mission I was humbled enough to get a blessing from one of my Zone Leaders.  A blessing is a Mormon practice where a Priesthood holder lays his hands on your head and speaks words of inspiration from God.  They can be faith filled experiences where the man pronouncing the blessing says things that are only known to you and God or a healing miracle is performed.  I have had many spiritual experiences with blessings.  In that blessing I needed to know from God if I was supposed to go home, if these trials beyond the normal rigors of missionary work were meant to humble me into another path God had for me, if it was simply my pride that was keeping me on my mission.  I don't remember the exact words of the blessing but in it He said that I was to stay on my mission.  I knew in my heart it was true.

Somehow, and I am convinced it was only in and through the grace of God, I was able to continue working as a missionary--doing my personal and companion studies, getting out the door, knocking on the doors of others, planning and teaching lessons, counting numbers, and strengthening the members.  I don't think a single day of the rest of my mission I looked or acted like a tip-top missionary and a single moment when I didn't feel like I was living up to my potential, but I kept working.  Did I always (or ever) actually get up at 6:30am and do my exercises and get ready on time to do my studies at the appointed time?  No.  But I kept working.  Did I spend all day teaching a ton of well-planned, well-executed lessons and share testimony whenever possible?  No.  But I kept working.  Was I rewarded with lots of baptisms?  No.  But I kept working.  Did I come to truly love the people of my mission?  Mostly, but not perfectly.  But despite my shortcomings and regardless of wanting dearly to be doing anything other than traditional missionary work in that whole 2nd half of my mission, I kept working.  Was everything fine and dandy when I got home and blessings were instantly rained down upon my head?  No.  But I kept working.  Did I get married and live happily ever after within 6 months of getting home?  No.  But I kept working.  I am still working.

Now you may ask yourself, especially if you're not a Mormon or person of conviction, why I decided to believe that blessing.  It is because I truly and sincerely know the Church is true.  I know Joseph Smith was and is a Prophet of God.  I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is being lead by Jesus Christ.  It is His Church on the earth today.  The Bible and the Book of Mormon are the word of God.  I know God loves all of His children.  I know the Gospel of Jesus Christ and His Atonement have the ability to change lives.  These are non-negotiables in my book.  And whenever I have sided with my testimony, or the things I know to be true, things have always worked out for the better.  Always.

I shared briefly the travails of my mission simply to let you know that as much as I know the Church is true, I know that missions are hard.  I also know that missions are harder for those who are struggling.  And I know that missions are even harder still for those who are struggling who many people believe are struggling because of disobedience or unfaithfulness on their part.  And since I know this, to all who may do anything to hinder the work of a missionary, whether member or missionary or otherwise, I say with all the love of Elder Uchtdorf: "Stop it."

We need to trust that our missionaries are doing the best they can.  We need to all help keep mission rules (and I would add commandments) in proper perspective.  And perhaps most importantly, we need to trust that Missionaries need the Atonement as much as the rest of us.  May the work continue forward and fill the whole earth, every nook and cranny of as many hearts willing to listen to our message.

God speed Elders and Sisters.



Sincerely,

Sister Knobloch


Here are some suggestions if you or someone you know is struggling on a mission or if you just want to be a better missionary or missionary helper yourself.

- Acknowledge the pain and the hardship.  Don't swipe it away or see them (or yourself) as weak.  This situation leads easily to despair and doubt about abilities.  And please don't say "forget yourself and go to work" unless you know the entire story behind that quote and the letter it came from.  It is a much more encouraging tale than simply the above statement.  Just because I'm at peace about my mission experience, does not mean I do not still bear physical and emotional scars from the experience.  Someone trying to trivialize my experience does not make those scars easier to bear.

- Missionaries--make sure you really are doing the best you can (and seek feedback from the Lord) and try to be patient with those who are helping you.  Listen and obey the Spirit.  Pace yourself, you're running a marathon not sprinting a lap.  An 18-24 month marathon with no vacation or holidays.

- Forgive, forgive, forgive.  In my missionary scriptures I had written in one of the beginning blank pages the phrase: "Should I not spare Ninevah?"  This comes from the story of Jonah and the Whale.  We all hear about the whale part of the story but that's it.  Jonah is a powerful story about repentance and forgiveness.  As a struggling missionary you may feel like Jonah--a young person sent on a mission by God to preach repentance and God's message.  At any time your investigators or the members or other missionaries may seem to (or actually) be thwarting you in that effort.  Jonah was sent to preach to the people of Ninevah but the people are wicked and refuse to listen.  He runs away, has the ordeal with the whale, and then is humbled but doesn't completely repent: he doesn't want to forgive and preach to the people of Ninevah.  The people had repented and were ready to listen but Jonah was angry and bitter and didn't want to continue on his journey.  In the 4th chapter of Jonah, the young prophet is sitting angrily on a hill overlooking the city, waiting and expecting God to destroy it--perhaps in some epic Noah-like fashion.  When the Lord refuses to comply, Jonah is angry with God.  The Lord then uses a gourd to illustrate his love to Jonah for all his creations and then with the what I imagine the love only a (heavenly) father could muster, God says "And should I not spare Ninevah?"  (Jonah 4:11).  That phrase helped me remember that just as I hoped to receive forgiveness of my mistakes as a missionary and as a human, I needed to grant that to everyone else I came in contact with.  At times this was, and still is, a difficult endeavor--but it is well worth it.

- Companions and fellow missionaries.  Be patient and have faith that the Lord's work will not be stopped.  I came out expecting to have hard companions and ended up being the hard companion.  No one wants to be a burden.  Listen closely and remember ALL the words of that great missionary section, Doctrine and Covenants 4: "And faith, hope, charity and love, with an eye single to the glory of God, qualify him for the work. Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence." (Verses 5 and 6).  Do your best darndest not to judge, I promise you won't regret it.

- A return to principle based missionary work.  Joseph Smith, when asked why his followers were so obedient said: "I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves."  If we don't start allowing our missionaries more freedom to govern themselves they won't learn self mastery on the mission or in the hereafter.  They will struggle, they will falter but we must let them work it out.  I'm happy to say that the New Youth Program does a better job of teaching empowerment and accountability than the one I was raised in.  Our missionary program needs to be revamped to teach this as well.

- Keep working (even if and when you go home). I echo Elder Holland's words: "Anyone who does any kind of missionary work will have occasion to ask, Why is this so hard? Why doesn’t it go better? Why can’t our success be more rapid? Why aren’t there more people joining the Church? It is the truth. We believe in angels. We trust in miracles. Why don’t people just flock to the font? Why isn’t the only risk in missionary work that of pneumonia from being soaking wet all day and all night in the baptismal font?  You will have occasion to ask those questions. I have thought about this a great deal. I offer this as my personal feeling. I am convinced that missionary work is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience."

- Non Mormons:  You don't have to listen to their message, but please be nice to missionaries.  They are out in the world doing something they believe in and at best deserve respect and kindness.  At worst they deserve being politely ignored.  I would suggest though if you are looking for more spirituality in life, give listening to the message and the missionaries a try...it might just change your life.

- Members: it is not your job to make sure the missionaries are doing their job.  It is your job to be a missionary yourself.  If you have time to see how missionaries are less than stellar than you are obviously lacking faith and failing at missionary work yourself.  I am still so grateful to many members on my mission who were patient, charitable, and kind to me.

- Familiarize yourself with The Purple Heart RMs project.  It is a much needed project on awareness of struggling missionaries.  Even though I didn't come home early, I participated in the initial survey because my experiences qualified me and I believed I had something to offer.

- Leaders:  Do a better job of preparing missionaries by encouraging members to share ALL the experiences of their missions, not just the funny or faith-promoting.  I remember clinging to the half-hinted words and strings of somethings from returned missionaries who dared to mention just how hard the work is so that I could tell myself it wasn't just me.  I do my best to share what I feel would help, even if it's gruesome or could be heard as critical and will usually add sincerely my testimony: "but I'm glad I did it.  I'm glad I'm home but I am still glad I served a mission."

-  Mission Presidents:  If a missionary is truly struggling, even if it looks like outright rebellion, there is probably an underlying reason.  The more I study about sin the more I see that sinfulness is more about the intents of the heart than anything else.  Perceived (or actual) sinfulness, I argue, is often a symptom of something else.  Identify and address the symptom (even if it is actually transgression) and you will likely resolve the struggle or rebellion. In Elder Packer's words: "True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel."

Merry Christmas from our Family to yours!

and may your holidays be extremely moderate.

(Isn't my family the best for letting me play dress up on them?)

What Should We Call Truth

By Megan Knobloch Geilman

[Editor's note: This essay was originally posted on December 24, 2013 with the status: Merry Christmas Eve!  A post on truth, specifically eternal truth.  Even though I quote Judeo/Christian/Mormon scripture, I tried to write this essay so that anyone could read and appreciate it.  Heck, even my atheist friends are really open minded.  I also get a little existential, but (hopefully) in an accessible way.]

In an age when there is incessant arguing over who is right and what is right—What if we all started asking: what is true?  

What is truth?

Truth is that indisputable "knowing" that something is. That this particular nugget has always existed as truth and that it's particular "truthiness" will always be, no matter what conditions or circumstances change.  Statements like "the sky is blue," "Life is like a box of chocolates—you never know what you're gonna get," and "God loves all his children" are easy for the majority of people to accept because they feel true.  It resonates with us.  Now I make jest with the lexicon above but I do believe truth exists, that it is real and that it will always be real. I have no doubt in my mind that there are facts of our existence and our place in the Universe and also that we can know this truth for ourselves. The Doctrine & Covenants states truth as such: "And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come" (D&C 93:24).  Truth can be questioned, tested, and verified.  Truth is still truth and has always existed as truth whether anyone believes it or not.  Oh say, what is Truth!—truth is reason, truth eternal—intelligence, glory, light, and knowledge. Truth to me, is all that God knows and is—the characteristics, experiences, knowledge, and actions that make up this great divine being we call God.  In short, because I believe that God exists, I believe that truth exists.  And since I believe that God speaks to His children, I believe that we can know truth.  Line upon line, precept upon precept we can know truth for ourselves and that knowing truth will ultimately benefit us and make our lives better, our experiences more joyful and happy, our families more peaceful and safe, and our world a better place.

So where does Truth come from?

Since the beginning of time God has inspired people with truth.  Religion, science, philosophy, the arts—these are all disciplines that search for truth and in turn receive knowledge through inquiry, reason, even faith and prayer.  Some of the people God speaks to are Prophets who write some of the truth they receive down as scripture.  But God doesn't only speak to Prophets: all great writers, historians, musicians, artists, scientists and other creative types have been inspired. Handel's experiences in writing "The Messiah" were described akin to a series of spiritual manifestations. Max Planck, German physicist who worked on quantum theory relates "It was not by accident that the greatest thinkers of all ages were deeply religious souls."  God speaks to all of His children, regardless of time and space, in relation to how much truth they want to know and are willing to seek, and search, and find.

This particular fact has kept me deeply rooted in Mormonism ever since my youth, as Joseph Smith stated: "The first and fundamental principle of our holy religion is, that we believe that we have a right to embrace all, and every item of truth, without limitation or without being circumscribed or prohibited by the creeds or superstitious notions of men, or by the dominations of one another, when that truth is clearly demonstrated to our minds, and we have the highest degree of evidence of the same."  Truth is everywhere, in everyone, in everything to varying degrees of "truthfulness."  Seeing truth in spectrum isn't fun for those black and white type thinkers—but I find comfort in the fact that when you look at gray close enough, it's just a lot of little black and white dots.  There is always truth, you sometimes just have to dig deeper to find it.  This requires patience, long suffering, and above all humility that we may not always have all the answers.

Why should we bother knowing Truth?

As we grow in learning and knowledge we inevitably come in contact with new facts or truths that sometimes seem at odds with what we already know.  I think that truth—eternal truth and the laws that actually govern truth don't change.  Sometimes, however, our understanding or the "truthfulness" of the law has to grow to accommodate new truths.  Remember how the law of gravity is supposed to be this all-encompassing universal law that applies no matter where we are in the universe...well, turns out that gravity might sort of possibly cease to function on a sub-atomic level.  Lots of hardworking scientists are currently in the process of figuring that out.  We once thought the Sun revolved around the Earth.  Before that the Earth was flat.  New learning means possibly revising what we knew to be true.  This does not mean that truth changes or isn't important, simply our understanding and/or application of it does.  It isn't that gravity ceases to exist, or didn't exist before, or is suddenly trivial, it just might be more complex then we previously understood.  The sky isn't literally blue—particles in the earth's atmosphere reflect blue light—but the statement "the sky is blue" is still true, we just understand it in a more complex way.  Even so, we want things to be more stable than this, so generally learning new things causes us unrest, and as human beings we dislike unrest.

This is why when we are presented with some fact or nugget that could contradict our previously known body of truth we pull back.  We are uncomfortable, we want it to go away.  Sometimes we decide we can only handle what truth we already hold and we unconsciously put a cap on how much truth we are willing to accept from God: there are scientists who still balk at the idea of a divine being and there are religious people who still don't accept the possibility of the Big Bang Theory or of Evolution.  Since we're most comfortable with truth we already accept, we like to surround ourselves with people who share the same beliefs.  Sociologists call this your "tribe."  Marketers call it a "demographic."  Some tribes I associate with are: White, Woman, Late twenty-something, Millennial, Mormon, Feminist, Married, Stay-at-Home, Mom, Heterosexual, Artist.  But we should always be willing to challenge our beliefs since truth will always stand up to scrutiny.  Truth, like cream, always rises to the top.  With the internet and social media we have the perception that we can easily have our beliefs tested, however since our interaction with the internet is guided by algorithm, we can easily get stuck in a "filter bubble" and not be exposed to different ideas.  We still have to go out of our way to get a different perspective.

For anyone that has ever learned something new that brought them peace or climactic understanding they will tell you that knowing truth is worth it.  That light bulb moment when inspiration hits and things suddenly make sense, the puzzle pieces fit together, one sees above the fray, the forest through the trees.  There is no feeling quite like it.  Even still, after we commit to new knowledge, we can still sometimes struggle, falter, and fall.  In the New Testament, Paul urged those recently baptized Jews: "Cast not away therefore thy confidence, which hath great recompense of reward.  For ye have need of patience, that after ye have done the will of God ye might receive the reward" (Hebrews 10:35-36).  Seeking for truth is hard, it takes patience and it's not a one time event—but it is so, so worth it.

Presentation of new knowledge creates conflict, and while contention is of the devil (3 Nephi 11:29), conflict is essential to our progression.  All conflict is the result of a failure to communicate, whether between ourselves and God, with each other, or within ourselves.  Perfect communication would result in perfect harmony, but anyone that has argued law knows that even our best words can fail us.  However without conflict, there is no resolution.  A fundamental characteristic of our time in mortality is that we must experience "opposition in all things" (2 Nephi 2:27).  Opposition creates conflict, but conflict (whether in this life or the next) ends in resolution.  Resolution is peace, joy, love—all the "fruits" of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22).  In facing these conflict-resolution situations we move from one sphere of knowledge to the next, ascending and progressing until that day when we will "know the truth of all things" (Moroni 10:5, Moses 6:61).

God wants us to search for truth and knowledge and He wants us to have it.  This exchange of us desiring knowledge and God granting it has been going on since the beginning of time—and as the human family progresses God is able to disseminate more and more truth at an exponentially faster pace.  Early on in human history he had to speak to His children in separate locales and teach them the same things.  Important inventions like the wheel and the light bulb were simultaneously invented at around the same time on different continents, much to the confusion and delight of scholars.  Jesus Christ visits the people in Jerusalem as documented in the Bible as well as some of his "other sheep" (John 10:16) in the American continents as relayed in the Book of Mormon, teaches his doctrine and establishes his Church.  As human history progresses, the interchange of knowledge among mankind has been able to happen at a higher speed in relation to the rate of the exchange.  In conjunction, God has been able to give more and more light and knowledge as we engage in this cycle of inquiry, exchange, questioning, seeking and finding.  After the Gutenberg press was invented and books were able to be printed for the first time en masse, huge leaps in humanity were made in all disciplines.  With the advent of technology and the internet, information can be created and disseminated more quickly than ever before in human history.  Little old, stay-at-home mom, me can write a few words and post them to the internet, circumventing all systemic hierarchies, and know that it has been read by 300 people within an hour—this is has never happened before in the earth's history!  Anyone and everyone has the ability to speak their truth and have it be heard publicly.  But just because information can be passed quickly and efficiently doesn't necessarily mean its true—so how can we know?

How can we know Truth?

While I was an LDS missionary I became very interested in finding a sort of scientific approach to revelation—a clear method I could use in receiving insight from God and then teaching it to others.  Over time I've had enough experiences to know certain ways that I know God is speaking to me or how to recognize Truth.  Most of these will be familiar to Mormons but most anyone can use them to their own advantage in coming closer to divinity and having a more peaceful, happy existence.

1) Obedience.  Specifically obedience to laws you already know.  The universe is governed by laws—laws like gravity that if you follow them you will be blessed (not falling down unnecessarily) and if you break them, or attempt to break them you can potentially face discomfort or even disaster (falling from great heights).  There are universal laws that govern everything: laws for health (if I eat healthy I will feel better, if I eat poorly I will get sick), laws for money (if I spend more than I earn I will be in debt), laws for education (if I study hard I will learn some things).  There are also laws governing the dynamics of movement, social behavior, thought, and beauty.  Nobody on earth knows all the laws all at once—even Jesus had to "increase in wisdom and stature" (Luke 2:52) and ascend "grace for grace" (D&C 93:12).  A lot of laws are spelled out in commandments written in the scriptures that make up the social codes of religion.  Laws, like all truth, exist eternally—they are not so much created as they are discovered.  You can call these principles or guidelines but the point is, when you follow them things get better and when you break them, things don't go so well.

The Doctrine & Covenants states: "There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated"  All these laws have blessings attached to them that God wants to give to us.  This is why people who follow certain commandments will testify of the blessings of them.  If you ever find yourself envious of another's success whether in personal relationships, prosperity, or health--instead of allowing contention within yourself, try to identify what laws they might be being obedient to.  Trying to mimic someones actions verbatim to receive the same results will end in frustration, for there is infinite variety within the law.  Since I believe all these laws have something to do with Ultimate Truth (God), I believe if we do our best at following the laws we already know we can gain access to knowledge of more laws—like steps rising a staircase, and in consequence more truth.  We don't know all the laws but I believe we can learn more by having good stewardship and doing our best to follow the ones we do know.  

2) Study.  We have to do our part.  We have to show God that we want to know more.  In the Doctrine and Covenants the Lord declares: "seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith" (88:118).  A lot of people think that "if God wants me to know something He will tell me"—and I think this can happen in cases where God needs you to know something immediately, like in cases of danger and the faith promoting stories that come with that.  But for the most part, I think God wants us to do some searching and pondering and seeking and knocking.  "Ask and ye shall receive" He says time and time again, "Knock, and it shall be opened unto you" (John 16:24, Matthew 7:7, Matthew 21:22, James 1:5, Enos 1:5, 3 Nephi 14:7, 3 Nephi 27, 29, D&C 88:63, D&C 4:7, D&C 49:26, D&C 103:31, D&C 66:9, D&C 75:27, D&C 6:5, D&C 12:5, D&C 14:5, D&C 11:5).  We need to do our part to show God we care about obtaining truth.

In the Doctrine and Covenants, God chastises Oliver Cowdery: "Behold you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.  But behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right..." (D&C 9:7-8).  We shouldn't be afraid of new knowledge from God and we shouldn't be afraid to ask for it, "for God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).  Humbly, we should always be learning, always be studying, always be acquiring new knowledge and educating ourselves.  And when something doesn't fit, we don't need to throw it away.

I have a shelf in my mind labeled "Don't have all the answers yet" where I put things that don't quite jive at the moment. As the years go by I'm able to take things on and off the shelf as I learn and grow, having faith that someday the shelf will be empty.  In a beautiful sermon entitled "What is Truth," Elder Uchtdorf addresses this topic more succinctly then I ever could.  After stating our obligation to seek after truth, he concludes with: "My young friends, as you accept the responsibility to seek after truth with an open mind and a humble heart, you will become more tolerant of others, more open to listen, more prepared to understand, more inclined to build up instead of tearing down, and more willing to go where the Lord wants you to go."

We need to obey whether or not it is something of great consequence.  From Namaan's faithful servant we are often reminded: "if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it?" (2 Kings 5:13).  Sometimes we forget that when the Lord asks us to "lose (our) life for (his) sake" it is both the willingness to lay down our life and die for His cause, but also to give up the daily agenda of day-to-day living for God and follow whatever plan He has for us.  Obedience is a two-edged sword.  

3) Prayer.  Prayer is at worst a grocery list of needs from us to God and at best a conversation where we speak and then listen and then obey. The Bible Dictionary states prayer as such: "Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them."  If we can trust that God loves us (John 3:16, 1 Nephi 11:17) then we can trust that whatever He commands us to do will be for our ultimate benefit and happiness.  Mormon missionaries the world over share time and time again "Moroni's promise" in the Book of Mormon, that if we ask with a "sincere heart" and with "real intent" (meaning we will follow through with the answer we are given) that we may know "the truth of all things"(Moroni 10:3-5).  When we ask a specific question to God we can receive specific answers.  Again to Oliver Cowdery, the Lord continues: "...and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.  But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong..." (D&C 9:8-9).  In the preceding revelation, the Lord coaxes Oliver: "Yeah, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost" (D&C 8:2-3).  Mind and soul, head and heart.  To quote Elder Holland on these verses: "God will teach us in a reasonable way and in a revelatory way—mind and heart combined—by the Holy Ghost."  We just need to pray, and ask, and listen, and obey...and then pay attention to the results.

4) Examining "the Fruits."  I think this is the most important one but it can be the hardest to pin down.  Every act as a before and after: an intention and a consequence.  Intentions are never a good indicator of the fruits of something or someone.  Villains always see themselves in the right—even Hitler thought he was doing the world a favor.  Of course this is why I think it doesn't hurt to trust that people have good intentions...but obviously not everything everyone does is right or true.  In the New Testament and Book of Mormon, Jesus uses the phrase "by their fruits ye shall know them" when warning His followers of false prophets (Matthew 7:20, 3 Nephi 14:20).  But I think this can be applied when examining any possible falsehood in our lives.  It can be complicated though—things that are bad for us often have immediate positive results or fruits.  People wouldn't do drugs or drink alcohol or do a number of other things if it didn't have a close-range positive effect.  It requires patience and stepping back and sometimes withholding judgment until we can truly see the fruits.  Sometimes we don't have time to evaluate all the consequences of a particular action, which is why the Lord occasionally requires us to move forward with faith.  And since we have the Atonement of Jesus Christ we can move forward on that faith, knowing that if we misjudged or faltered that His sacrifice can erase our sin, His pain can allow our joy (Isaiah 1:18, Alma 7:11).  If we look at long term positive fruits we can often easily and quickly recognize the truth of any situation.

Mormons don't have the corner on truth—we just claim to have access to a continuation of it through a Prophet of God.  This is the same claim Christians have when Christ restored his Church by calling twelve apostles and a Prophet (Peter) and Jews claim it through God restoring his Church through Moses.  God has been doing this business of getting His truth out for a long time.  So why doesn't He just give it to us all at once?  I think because He wants us to remain humble and seeking and asking and knocking.  If we knew everything all at once, we would neither appreciate or cherish or cultivate the knowledge He has already given us.  In the parable of the talents, it didn't matter the amount of talents he gave to each servant, he just cared about the increase.  To the servant who hid away the talent, citing fear, the Master rebukes "thou art a wicked and slothful servant" (Matthew 25:26).  God wants us to continue to search and ask and seek after new knowledge!

What if we all decided to find truth instead of deciding or figuring out who is right and who is wrong.  What if we were all truth-seekers instead of attempted truth definers?  What if we collected or compiled this truth—what would it say?  What would be in it?  Is that what social media already is?  If we all sought after truth in our respective disciplines (with that goal in mind) would God exponentially grace us with His wisdom from the Heavens?  I suppose as we did this there would be plenty of truths that don't quite fit, but as I have sought to know God's truth for myself so much of it seems paradoxical from my own earthly perspective.  To quote Forrest Gump at the end of that great movie (which I think is largely about redemption) when speaking to his sweetheart after her death:

"Jennie...I don't know if Momma was right or if it's Lieutenant Dan...I don't know if we each have a destiny or if were all just floatin' around accidental like on a breeze...but I, I think...maybe it's both.  Maybe both is happening at the same time."

I have faith that there will be a time and a place when we will all know all the answers to all the questions, but I also have faith that it can be sooner then we think, if we give it a try.


#whatshouldwecalltruth

The Straight and Narrow Path: How to Navigate Moral Dilemmas

This Christmas season I would like to discuss moral dilemmas, my mission, and of course: Jesus.

But first, let's talk about commandments.  Commandments are given through a prophet of God for general direction and large oversight of the body of the Church, but individual commandments are also given through personal revelation from God through reading the scriptures, inspiration, etc.  Often these general commandments and our individual circumstances intersect, and occasionally the direction we receive with what we understand can cause a contradiction, resulting in a moral dilemma.  A moral dilemma is when two commandments are presented and when following one, you will inevitably break the other.  The first moral dilemma was presented in the garden: the Lord commanded Adam and Eve to both "multiply and replenish the earth"(Genesis 1:28) and also to not partake of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. From their understanding, they could not do both.  As Lehi states: "And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end. And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin" (2 Nephi 2:22-23).

Other moral dilemmas in the scriptures include Nephi killing Laban (1 Nephi 4:10), Abraham lying about Sarai being his sister (Abraham 2:24), and Abraham's sacrifice of his son Isaac (Genesis 22:2). Sometimes moral dilemmas aren't having to choose between two commandments but between our personal moral obligations and long held social constructs: do I speak up to my boss about views I care about and risk my job or stay quiet? Do I do what's right for my family or focus on the needs of others?  Do I call someone out or remain silent?  The homeless man on the street--someone looking for help or a scammer trying to take honest people's money?  No matter our stance on any matter of subjects, through family and work, learning and leisure, justice and mercy: we all face moral dilemmas all the time, every day.

A lesser known moral dilemma is the story of Ahaz in the Old Testament, whom God commanded to form an alliance of Judah to Assyria so as to foil the alliance between Syria and Ephraim, but Ahaz allies Judah with Assyria anyway, causing problems. More importantly, the Lord tells Ahaz to ask of Him a sign (Isaiah 7:10-11) but Ahaz refuses, saying "I will not ask, neither will I tempt the Lord" (Isaiah 7:12, 2 Nephi 17:12). Understandably, we are generally counseled in the scriptures to NOT to ask the Lord for signs--see Alma 30:43-50. But whether as mercy or judgement, the Lord gives him a sign anyway (Isaiah 7:14, 2 Nephi 17:14).

Ahaz is generally considered a wicked king by Bible scholars but how often are we told to do something by God and we refuse, citing other commandments as reason to not obey. We often cite the faith of Nephi: "I will go and do the things which the Lord commands, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them" as reason that we should be able to follow ANY commandment God gives us. Yet we all face our mortal follies and the fact that "all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).  We cannot follow all of the commandments all the time and experience mortality.   This is what Stephen Robison calls "The Great Dilemma."

Elder Richard G. Scott this last conference spoke about a moral dilemma a whole group of people faced in the Book of Mormon: "The people of Ammon were at a critical moment of their spiritual lives. They had been true to their covenant never to take up arms. But they understood that fathers are responsible to provide protection to their families. That need seemed great enough to merit consideration of breaking their covenant."  The moral dilemma there is eventually solved by their faithful sons, the "Army of Helaman" taking up arms to defend the people but like Elder Scott laments, how those fathers "must have privately wept."  Moral dilemmas can make us aware of ourselves: our broken pasts, the inner most intents of our heart, our secret desires, and our highest aspirations--which is why I think they are worth exploring on a personal and public level.

Now I think it's important that we DO draw lines in the sand in our behavior, whether religious or social--and if anyone is thinking God is telling them to kill someone a la Old Testament examples listed above, please contact your ecclesiastical leader immediately. I think these examples are powerful today though because sometimes breaking one long held commandment or construct to follow another can feel akin to bloodshed. Charles Darwin, raised a Christian, told a friend that writing his "Origin of Species" on evolutionary theory felt like "confessing to a murder." Huck Finn struggles over whether to turn in Old Jim and chooses Hell over Heaven. In short, moral dilemmas are hard. And with the increasing mass accountability provided by social media--they are not going away.

Because of the uncomfortableness of a moral dilemma, we often want to remove it and get on with our lives.  We do this by either ignoring it completely ("I'm just gonna pretend that homeless man isn't there and maybe the whole issue of homelessness will disappear with it") or we pick a side and slowly let confirmation bias set in.  As uncomfortable as a moral dilemma is, I personally find more peace in trying to identify truth rather than ignoring it or picking sides.

In the New Testament, the Pharisees (those lovers of the law) often tried to catch Jesus in His words, using moral dilemmas to incite him. But Jesus, that perfect example, never faltered. This is why when often faced with a moral dilemma Christians will question themselves: "What would Jesus do?"  When petitioned on a myriad of subjects and situations he would speak truth: "The sabbath is made for man" (Mark 2:27) he would reply. "Whether is easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Rise up and walk?" he responded (Luke 5:23). "Love the Lord thy God" he confounded "This is the first and great commandment." And with the following charge to "love thy neighbor," He confidently ascribed "on these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets" (Matthew 22:40). He knew the Old Testament in its truth better than they did and dictated with what I always imagined peaceful confidence, speaking "as one having authority, and not as the scribes" (Matthew 7:29).  Understandably this drove the Jews nuts.

One of the my most powerful personal stories concerning moral dilemmas is from my LDS mission. While struggling with Depression and a mission president who didn't fully acknowledge mental illness I sought council from the Lord what I should do, how I should strengthen myself and feel better so that I could do the work I knew He wanted me to do. I often received impressions and council which was very hard to follow since it occasionally conflicted with mission rules. For anyone who has never served a mission, mission rules are often treated like commandments, where obedience will bring blessings for you and your investigators, while breaking them will lead to sorrow and missed opportunities. Missionaries who are obedient are seen as exemplary while those who disobey or appear to do so are seen as "rebellious" or "apostate." Having to deal with depression and other health issues while trying to serve a mission was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Harder than high school, harder than Depression alone, harder than childbirth, harder than motherhood (so far). This may seem dramatic (or not dramatic depending on your life circumstances) but I care very much about the Lord's work and didn't want my personal struggles to interfere with it. I found great comfort in Doctrine and Covenants Section 3 and the Lord telling me to "remember that it is not the work of God that is frustrated, but the work of men." When I stopped worrying about mission rules and mission culture and started listening to the Lord more, my mission slowly improved and I was able to finish, broken but strong.

One day while struggling I was praying and felt strongly that I needed to talk to my Dad. Calling home for missionaries only happens twice a year on Christmas and Mother's Day so as not to distract from the work. Other exceptions are made for sincere personal needs like health or schooling but it's only by approval and my Mission President was already weary with all the "permissions" I had been asking for during those long Missouri winter months. Simply just calling home was too much for me to handle. I told the Lord I couldn't do it, that if He really did want me to do that I would need His help or I would need Him to help me another way. A few days later we were home for lunch.  I was in our room on the twin bed provided by the dear members we were living with, when our small mission cell phone rang, a shiny slate colored Sprint flip model.  When I received the phone I saw my own home phone number staring back at me! I answered quickly but tentatively, my heart racing wondering if something was wrong but so grateful for the opportunity.

"Hello?" I answered.

It was my Dad.

He said that his "spider sense" had been tingling and that he felt like he needed to talk to me. I burst into tears knowing that the Lord had simply and mercifully found a way for me to get some comfort during a dark and difficult time. The story still brings me to the point of sobbing whenever I relay it, even as I type these words now. This isn't the only example of my attempts to navigate moral dilemmas before, during, or after my mission but it will always be my most dear because I feel it reminds me of the power of prayer and the love of a Heavenly Father for his child, answered by her earthly father.  Happily, this and other experiences like it, as well as psychological counseling and medication, have helped me largely overcome Depressive episodes and I have been able to move forward into a truly wonderful life (not even postpartum!)  Even still my compassion for those who may not always fit the "mormon mold" or where the framework of the Church might fail them has never left me.  I don't remember what my Father and I ended up talking about during those fateful 20 minutes, but the fact that it happened reminds me often and powerfully of "how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things and ponder it in your heart" (Moroni 10:4).

Essentially doing the Lord's will in one's life must account for a certain amount of flexibility. I've often thought that Hymn #270 should perhaps be rewritten to the effect of: "It may not be on the mountain height (or it may be)...It may not be on the battle front (or it may be)..." Even so, this is not a call for moderation (even with my often use of the admittedly limited word "moderate") as Elder Oaks states in a wonderful and aptly named fireside entitled "Our Strengths Can Become Our Downfall": "Moderation in all things is not a virtue, because it would seem to justify moderation in commitment."

I think that in order to effectively navigate moral dilemmas in our lives we must, as Julie B. Beck, former General Relief Society President, states: use the Spirit. She says, "A good woman (and I would add man) knows that she (or he) does not have enough time, energy, or opportunity to take care of all of the people or do all of the worthy things her heart yearns to do....But with personal revelation, she can prioritize correctly and navigate this life confidently."  I believe that the potential exists for two people to be presented with the exact same moral dilemma and God could give them different answers, 2 different "right" outcomes and to each the other would seem to be "sinning."  In my story above God could have easily given me comfort in a thousand other ways that didn't involve breaking mission rules, but I think in that case it was important for me to learn His voice in my life and to feel that love He has for me through my own father. Elder Henry B. Eyring illustrated this concept for Priesthood leaders in his talk "Bind Up Their Wounds." In explaining how God can help quorum presidents know when to ask for service and when not to ask, he elucidates: "[God] knows whose wife was near the breaking point because her husband was unable to find time to do what she needed done to care for her needs. He knows which children would be blessed by seeing their father go one more time to help others or if the children needed the feeling that they matter to their father enough for him to spend time with them that day. But He also knows who needs the invitation to serve but might not appear to be a likely or willing candidate."  I see an increased sensitivity to this idea in Church discourse, that individual circumstances merit individual spiritual consideration.

This of course is in paradox to the idea that there is one way for everyone, but we are indeed a peculiar people of paradox.  Apparently Mormons are the most comfortable with this idea given one recent survey.  This is why within our collective congregation we must get comfortable with the idea of "internal plurality" and the freedom to share all our stories, whether orthodox or not.  And to do so even if they contradict one another, because as Joseph Smith stated beautifully: "in proving contraries, truth is made manifest."

Following the Spirit of course takes more self-discipline and self-mastery than simply picking which commandments to follow and always following them, but I think that's part of our existence here on earth: "And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them" (Abraham 3:25).   When we always remember the Atonement, we can both navigate these dilemmas without falling into pride against other people or despair that we fall short. As Elder Richard G. Scott puts it, “A righteous life requires discipline. Discipline is that characteristic which will give you the strength to avoid giving up what you want most in life for something you think you want now. It is a friend, not a harsh taskmaster that makes life miserable. Discipline is easier to acquire when it is rooted in faith in Jesus Christ, when it is nourished by an understanding of His teachings and plan of happiness” (emphasis added).  If we understand the Atonement, we can navigate moral dilemmas because His sacrifice pays for the breaking of one commandment.  The Atonement makes it possible to live in mortality because if we really understood our fallen state, we would be crushed under the weight of impossible despair.

One image that has immensely helped me understand and navigate the moral dilemmas in my life is that of the Straight and Narrow Path. During His Sermon on the Mount, after speaking some of the most powerful verses in all of scripture about not judging, giving freely, asking in faith and the Golden Rule, Jesus gives this image: "Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it" (Matthew 7:13-14). In Mormon scripture the Lord declares through Joseph Smith: "For strait is the gate, and narrow the way that leadeth unto the exaltation and continuation of the lives, and few there be that find it” (D&C 132:22).

Since a path has two ways in which one can fall off it, two other verses help me understand the importance of staying on the path. At the climax of the Book of Mormon, Jesus Christ appears to the Nephites in the Americas, shows him the wounds in His body, and declares his divine role and mission as Savior. He then begins to expound doctrine in 3 Nephi 11:40 and states “And whoso shall declare more or less than this, and establish it for my doctrine, the same cometh of evil, and is not built upon my rock.” Again in the Doctrine & Covenants the Lord states: "Whosoever declareth more or less than this, the same is not of me, but is against me; therefore he is not of my church." On either side of the path there is the potential to fall into a state of "more" or "less" and both have their consequences.  Either side would compel us to "be acted upon" rather than to act (2 Nephi 2:26).

I shared the following diagram with my Relief Society lesson a few months ago:

The narrow gate is usually referenced as our commitment and covenant to get on the path of discipleship: baptism.  Once on the path though we have a long and treacherous way to go in order to "endure to the end." Baptism is a one time event, an outward expression of our inward desires, but continuous repentance and conversion is a process, transformation more than destination.   

So often we talk about the "less" of the gospel: struggling with not giving service, laziness at keeping the commandments, using Christ's sacrifice as an excuse for sin (see Nicolitains), the plight of the unfaithful scholar, ignoring doctrine, not following the Prophet, judging people who are different than us, looking down on the poor, breaking the letter of the law...the list could go on.  Yet what I find disturbing in much of Church discourse and Sunday School worship is the lack of addressing the "mores" of the gospel: not accepting/receiving service, righteous indignation, not believing or acknowledging Christ's sacrifice for us (see Alma 37:46), praising blind belief, creating or perpetuating folk doctrine, deifying our leaders, judging people who are just like us, scoffing at wealth, breaking the spirit of the law...these to me are equally as important to our gospel living and worship and essential to effectively enduring to the end.  I think no one covers this folly of our virtues becoming vices better than C.S. Lewis in his book "The Screwtape Letters" about 2 devils working to trump a faithful christian.  As humans we like to both oversimplify and overcomplicate the gospel.  Both are a stumbling block to our eternal progression.  Both lead us away from the Spirit and can lead to our "destruction."  Both need to be repented of.

So how do we stay on the path?  How do we effectively navigate the moral dilemmas of our lives?  Like I stated above I think following the Spirit is an essential characteristic but I think there's a bigger, more important answer, the answer to everything: The Atoning Sacrifice of Jesus Christ.  

One of my all time favorite talks is by Marvin J. Ashton called "The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword." He addresses "bashing" and in a day full of 24 hour news, mud-slinging elections, trolling, and daily internet vitriol that would make our ancestors turn in their graves--not to mention the daily atrocities that happen in REAL life, I think it all the more applicable today than when it was given over 20 years ago. He also talks about Charity. Sweet, sweet charity--real charity, the kind that "never faileth" (Moroni 7:46 and Corinthians 13:8). My favorite quote on charity is as follows:

Charity is, perhaps, in many ways a misunderstood word. We often equate charity with visiting the sick, taking in casseroles to those in need, or sharing our excess with those who are less fortunate. But really, true charity is much, much more.

Real charity is not something you give away; it is something that you acquire and make a part of yourself. And when the virtue of charity becomes implanted in your heart, you are never the same again. It makes the thought of being a basher repulsive.

Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.

Fundamental attribution error posits that in going about our daily lives we often ascribe and overemphasize inward character flaws with other people's actions but underemphasize and use external events to explain our own behavior: that person was an idiot for speeding but we can't possibly be late for our own job.  Sometimes when we find the truth of the situation we feel remorse: the angry waiter who so deserved my minuscule tip turns out to be a weary father just trying to support a family and a dying mother on small wages.  We feel remorse after (and if) we know the truth but was there anything we could do before?  This is why Fred Rogers is my personal hero: he always trusted others were doing their best and never judged too soon.

To put even more guilt on your plate there is the the pygmalion effect.  Also known as "The Rosenthal Effect" it is the phenomenon where people will rise or lower to the expectations we have for them.  If I believe my employees to be hard working and industrious they will rise to that expectation.  If we believe our children and students to be dumb and uncreative then sadly and efficiently, they eventually will be.   Our own thoughts can cause people to become self-fulfilling prophecies.  This places a small but significant responsibility for the actions of others on our own heads.  The good news is we can help each other be better!  I've seen the fruits in my life as I've started believing people, taking them at their word.  I've felt it in my life when people believe me: it makes me want to make sure I'm being that good person they take me to be.  I think if we really realized how much we are all interconnected, we would be more careful about our actions.  Too often we forget to have charity and to give others the "benefit of the doubt."

I've also realized that if other people are in fact sinning, that they will be judged for it--not me.  And it doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong when the Lord tells me "For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged" (3 Nephi 14:2 and Matthew 7:2).  As Elder Holland says: “I believe with all my heart that if we can repent of our sins, if we can be charitable with the sins of others, if we can take courage toward our circumstances and want to do something about them, the living Father of us all will reach down and, in the scriptural term, “bear [us] up as on eagles’ wings” (D&C 124:18).”

I think when we realize how much we each fail at Charity--that commandment that Paul says we are "nothing" without--that second great commandment in the law, we start to realize how much more we need the Atonement and only then can we begin to make amends.  We must come to terms with that "Great Dilemma" that we are a sinner, because we don't go to the Doctor until we know we are sick.  And we are all very, very sick.  We need Charity so much and because Christ suffered for all of us, we don't have to keep score.  We can forgive ourselves and we can forgive others, and we don't have to judge others because they sin differently than us.  We can have that love because He first loved us, and loves all of His children.

When we stray from the path, in either direction, we can be humble, we can pray, we can repent.  Examine the fruits of ideas and situations and people with the Spirit because "by the power of the Holy Ghost (we) may know the truth of all things" (Moroni 10:5).  When we feel bitterness or resentment or fear or unrighteous pride we can recognize it and change.  Whether that's looking down at someone who isn't doing what they should or getting frustrated with someone who isn't as patient with us as they should be.  We all fall short of the glory of God.  We all need the Atonement, we all need Jesus: He is more than the reason for the season, he is the Reason.

"O then, my beloved brethren, come unto the Lord, the Holy One.  Remember that his paths are righteous.  Behold, the way for man is narrow, but it lieth in a straight course before him, and the keeper of the gate is the Holy One of Israel; and he employeth no servant there; and there is none other way save it be by the gate; for he cannot be deceived, for the Lord God is his name" --2 Nephi 9:41